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submission

What Fire?

night and dayWhat do you do when the fire is only an ember?  I’ve struggled with this situation for close to 2 years. How does a slave be a slave when that fire that calls one to serve is all but burnt out? Duty, that’s how.  For quite some time that kept me hanging on, it was a band-aid while I watched the world around me live the life I could see but not touch.  Trust was in short supply as was my patience, and frankly most that was gone as well. Submission doesn’t come quickly for me, at least not normally. It’s a slow process that takes time, time that most do not want to take. They want it all and they want it now, especially in a virtual setting, and while they may have gotten my duty side, only a rare few got the chance to see the desire side and most of those only ended up tossing water on what fire there was.  All save One.

Funny, how just a simple moment changes how you see things and who you are.  Did I know the moment it happened, well maybe a little? Now, those that know me may say I have anger issues, or even that I’m ….forceful for a slave, or maybe even plainly state that I’m not a slave. These statements I actually take with great pride, after all, I also get told what a great slave I am. I am a paradox of sorts and then there are those that truly know me, that for some reason can just see into the heart of me and who I am.  And then there was the One that saw through the hurt and the pain, the anger and frustration that would well up inside me that I could barely contain and keep under wraps while I smiled at everyone else joking and making them laugh. The one that made me stop in my tracks and just look at him as he laughed when I was talking about smacking people with frying pans, and no I didn’t make a distinction between Free or slave when I was swinging it either…metaphorically of course, I was and am a good slave after all.

He would stop me and give me a hug out of the blue, and then tell me it was because I needed them. And damn if he wasn’t right, such a simple thing and it would bring me to tears.  I think everyone realizes that the weight they are baring alone maybe too much when a simple hug or kiss on the forehead about brings you down.  He never pushed, never questioned; he was just there whenever I needed. He gave me the time and space to come to him, and I did. Soon I came to him with everything any project I started any task I had completed. I wanted to show him; I needed to show him.  I lived for those moments when I could steal into his lap for a cuddle, when I could do something to make him laugh.  I could just be me, and he showed me over and over how much he loved me being me.

Does that mean that he didn’t change me? No, I have changed under his care; blossomed even. I remember now, what I was like in the beginning, when the life held possibilities and not so many dangers.  Do I still have anger issues….oh yeah, thankfully most of my anger issues are..*coughs* justifiable ones.  Am I still a forceful slave, with most everyone else, why yes, yes I am. Does he want me any different, nope, He likes it, he knows that I am safe when he’s gone and no one will take advantage of me or my slave status.

So what do you do when that fire is almost gone, do your duty. It doesn’t have to be your desire, but if you do your duty, serve your village, home, and family; somehow it will all turn around. Take the time to find one that truly knows how to restart that fire to serve within you. It’s here, it won’t die, even when you think it’s gone, under the right hand it will come back to life stronger than before, and you…and even your new relationship will be stronger for it.